(Spoiler alert - this blog contains a Cheshire Cat, a quest, hidden treasures, a glimpse at the Dark Side, a well guarded secret, and a plot twist. Happy New Year.)However you feel about New Year's Resolutions, the New Year (or even a new day) can be a great time to reflect on what you do want. So how can we get it off to the best possible start?
Starting With The End In Mind
As the Cheshire Cat says to Alice "If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there."
It's hard to argue with that. It seems logical that to succeed in reaching any goal in life we first need to know what it is. If you don't know what you want, how will you recognise it when you get it?
But it's my experience that people don't know. Or rather they hide the goal under a series of other goals to the extent that they lose sight of whatever it was to start with. (If that's true for you I promise you're not alone.) It becomes something of a lost treasure that can only be reached after completing endless challenges like a quest you started on but can't remember why.
The good news is we can uncover this treasure if we know where to look, and by doing so we can save ourselves a lot of wasted time, effort and frustration. And New Year is as good a time to do that as any.
Hidden Treasure
So where is this treasure to be found? Often right under our noses cleverly hidden inside our 'When'/'Then' thinking.
It goes like this.
Quest. "When I .... (lose weight/gain a qualification/get a better career/find love)
Treasure. Then I'll feel ....(happy/fulfilled/confident etc)."
It seems to me that New Year's Resolutions tend to focus on the quest rather than the treasure.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting yourself those quest type goals of course. (I'd be a very odd life coach if I thought there was). And you probably will feel happier if that goal is realistic and achievable. Achievements, even the smallest achievements, are known to help us feel good in themselves; especially if the goal also provides a sense of purpose and adds meaning to our life. But that good feeling can also be short lived and may be reliant on achieving one goal after another.
The Dark Side
The problem with the When/Then approach lies in the fact that it makes your happiness (or other desirable outcomes) dependant on some external measurement of success. Or to put it another way, if you don't reach that benchmark then it's easy to believe that your chances of greater happiness, confidence or fulfillment have flown out of the window. You might even consider it evidence that you're a failure and doomed to a life of misery. (I'm exaggerating a bit here but I'm sure you know what I mean).
And of course, even if you do achieve your When it doesn't guarantee that the Then will follow.
Maybe part of the reason we so often fail with the quest is because we don't want the disappointment of it not delivering on the results we want? If it's not guaranteed, what's the point in trying?
Don't Tell Anyone But ...
The truth is, we've all been approaching this the wrong way round. You can be happier without having to complete the quest. What's more, when you approach life from this happiness first perspective, everything else is easier to achieve.
Take weight loss for example. Though weight loss is a popular New Year's goal I'm going to assume it's one that people don't find much pleasure in working towards as it probably feels like you have to deprive yourself of something you enjoy. But what if we approached it a different way? One that didn't focus on weight management, or calorie counting, or food at all?
Going Down The Rabbit Hole And Out Again
Most of us turn to comfort foods when we're stressed so it follows that the longer someone feel stressed, the more comfort food they eat, and the more weight is gained. The more weight that's gained, the less confident a person might feel and the less likely they are to take part in social activites that could boost their mood. The more low they feel, the more they turn to comfort foods. It's a downward spiral.
Conversely, when that same person feels happier they're more likely to make positive food choices so it's easier for them to maintain a healthy weight. That could lead to them being more active which boosts their mood further as well as helping with the weight management. Because they feel happier they're more likely to accept social invitations which further increases their happiness. The spiral moves upwards. See how this works?
So by focusing on a different goal, that of managing their stress levels in this example, it's possible to reduce the unhelpful behaviour of comfort eating and improve their overall health. Instead of
"When I've lost weight I'll feel happy" it becomes
"Because I feel happy I maintain a healthy weight."
The same principle applies to many other areas. For example, are you more likely to apply for your dream job when you're feeling positive or not? What about applying to college? Starting a business? Or plucking up the courage to speak to the person you want to meet?
Journalling Prompt
So here's a little journalling exercise for you to try. Think of it as a mini quest if you like.
1. Grab a cuppa and take yourself to a quiet space for a few minutes. Then open your journal and write at the top of the page the words When and Then. See how many When and Then statements you can come up with. Try to be as honest with yourself as possible.
2. Choose one of the statements to explore further, this time using your Then from the previous statement as your new When. For example if you wrote;
"When I've got the job I want, then I'll gain the respect of my peers" you would now write;
"When I gain the respect of my peers then I'll feel more confident."
3. Continue until you feel you can't go any further. Then highlight or underline your final Then statement. There's your treasure.
Congratulations.
I'm going to assume the treasure you uncovered was happiness or something close to that? Now it's up to you to decide how the the story ends.
Will you set out on a potentially endless quest anyway or grab that treasure you've found and start living happily ever after right where you are now? It's really as simple as that because happiness isn't really a goal you have to reach at all but a way of being in the present. There are tools and techniques you can start using right now to increase your happiness if that's what you decide you want. Here are just a few ideas.
On the other hand if, like Alice, you're still not sure which road to take, drop me a message. I'd be happy to help. Professional life coach and treasure hunter at your service.
